537. Idiots guide to looking like an idiot

So, I'm reading the Complete Idiot's Guide to Etiquette, which I downloaded from some free web site. After reading the first two pages, I had the urge to throw it across the room, if only it was a paper copy.

Here are some excerpts from "10 Most common dining mistakes" that baffled me, my comments in parenthesis.

1. Cutlery. Don’t hold your fork like a cello or your knife like Lady Macbeth’s dagger. Also, don’t wave your cutlery triumphantly in the air to emphasize a point and don’t put silverware partly on the table and partly on the plate. After you pick up a piece of cutlery, it should never touch the table again (It could touch the floor after I'm done, I suppose). Knives go on the plate, blade facing in and touching the inside of the plate. Only the handle should rest on the rim of the plate.

2. Napkins. Don’t blot or rub the lower half of your face (How about upper side, like my moustache?). Dab delicately (WTF is dab?). Don’t flap your napkin to unfold it and don’t wave it around like a flag. It belongs unfolded on your lap (even if I'm eating hot soup? I'll need a towel then). If you leave the table, place your napkin on the chair and push the chair back under the table. Gently. Watch the upholstery (which is... curtains?). Don’t refold your napkin at the end of the meal because an unknowing server might give it to another diner (I don't visit establishments that reused napkins). Pick up the napkin from the center and place it loosely on the table to the left of your plate.

5. Breaking bread. Here is a real bread-and-butter tip. Tear bread into bite-size pieces and butter each piece just before you eat it (What if I eat the whole bread at once?). Don’t butter the entire slice of bread or the entire roll to get it ready for occasional bites during the course of the meal (That'd be more efficient, no?).

7. Don’t pick! If you have something trapped between your teeth, don’t pick at it while you are at the table. If it’s really driving you nuts, excuse yourself, go to the restroom, and pick to your heart’s content. (Isn't that drawing attention to yourself even more than picking on your teeth?)

What do you think?