Year of the Fear of the Dark

Eid Mubarak!

I've been dreading this month. Last year, on Dec 23, I was walking back home at night, and I was brutally attacked by three muggers very close to Bangla Motor, the nearest intersection. I fought them, as I had a substantial amount of money with me. One of them punched me, and the rim of my glasses smashed across my forehead. Luckily, my eyes were saved. I walked home, my brother took me to the hospital, and I had to get 15 stitches on my face.

Some experiences make you a stronger, better person. Unfortunately, this was not one of those experiences, and I have yet to see the silver lining. Here are some of the consequences.

I became afraid of the dark. Prior to the incident, I would think nothing of staying out late and hanging out with friends. After this, I imposed a 10pm curfew on myself, so I don't have to come home alone.

I became an insomniac. I had several nightmares about the moment when I was calling my brother on the cellphone, and he didn't pick up because he was in the toilet. Failing to contact him, I was trying to call my home number from memory, and couldn't see if I was typing the right number because of all the blood on the screen. And twice I was about to pass out on the street, and tried to make myself move reminding myself that if I didn't get home, that was the end, as no one would find me on the street.

I began to hate law enforcement. I passed a police officer one minute before walking into the dark area, and yelled for help during the struggle, but no one showed up. I started to become aggravated at the slightest provocation on the street and have been rude to the traffic controllers on several occasion.

I am afraid of the crowd. In the last year, I consciously avoided all concerts, all public gatherings, weddings, movie theatres, shopping malls, etc i.e. any place where my personal space would be compromised.

I am more xenophobic and less patient than before. I lost my faith in humanity for a while, and started to see only the bad side of people.

I slipped into a depression which lasted about five/six months. My parents were overseas visiting my sister, so I spent many evenings alone in our house just blankly staring at the TV wondering how meaningless my life had been lately. It didn't help to end a significant relationship two months later and become single.

Luckily for me, I got a second chance and my life is different now. I'm in a new country with a new career progression, a new love in my life, and with exciting possibilities for a new year. The curse, if you could call it that, has been lifted.

But the scars remain, internal and external.